Awakening & healing – part 1

If you find yourself on this page it could be because you are interested in learning more about my personal spiritual awakening and healing.  Most likely, it is because you are facing your own existential crisis, awakening or healing journey and are searching for answers or connection.  Maybe too, you are wondering what about my own experience qualifies me to assist you on your journey.  Whatever the reason, I’m glad you are here. Vulnerability is something I struggle with – I have lived many years ashamed of who I am & I have vowed to open up (be vulnerable) if it means I can help others.  Perhaps these pieces of my story will illustrate similarities in our life experiences, make you comfortable with me before we meet, or provide you with relief just in the knowing you are not alone.

I have always been a seeker of some truth or knowledge that I thought existed outside of myself.  It wasn’t until 2009 that I discovered the truth – the knowledge I sought was within me.  Through a series of “chance” encounters, I have met the most amazing teachers and friends – people who have been instrumental in my awakening and discovery of self.  For as long as I can remember, I have known that the expected, conventional, typical life was not for me.  I knew I had yet to find a purpose, mission or design to my life.

On a drizzly Saturday morning, I left my house with the intention of grabbing a coffee and a few minutes of silence to call my sister.  I got my coffee but no answer from my sister. Instead of going home, I headed out to Palisades-Kepler State Park.  Until that day, Palisades was a place I had only been a few times but the need to go there on this day was undeniable – almost urgent.  I knew this was a calling I could not ignore.

It was a magical morning at the park – misty and cool with an unmistakable yet unspoken invitation to walk among the trees. I was the sole visitor to the park that day but I was far from alone.  There was a comforting presence and a pervasive reverence that took my breath away.  Looking back now, I see this was the first day of the rest of my life – the day I found the path that lead me back to myself.  (Read more about that day here).  It sounds soooo cliche!  I know it does!!  So cliche that I almost can’t stand saying or writing it down. It sounds like I simply stumbled upon my path and *poof* everything became crystal clear & all my questions were answered during one walk in the park.  Please do not let that be what you take away from this because that is so far from the truth.

That morning in the park confirmed to me that I was not alone – that what I had always known was true.  It was proof that there is a grand design to our lives, there is much more available to us than we can see and we are each here to fulfill some mission.  Other than the deep feeling of knowing I had found what I sought and the peace that came with that, this awakening stuff has been anything but easy.  I had found my starting point, for sure.  I had found no answers though – because I didn’t even know enough to have questions about what I was seeking.  This provided much confusion.  But unless you have sought; unless you have felt grossly misplaced and misunderstood your life through; and, unless you have wondered where you fit in this world, you may not truly understand the magnitude of the excitement I felt when I discovered I was not alone and I did, in fact, belong somewhere.

Self-discovery is not an easy process..nor pretty.  It uncovers some really ugly truths about ourselves, forces us to face painful situations we would rather avoid and demands complete honesty. It forcefully teaches you to take accountability for your actions and pushes you to grow by requiring you to develop skills in compassion and grace for yourself. And I was on the accelerated path – I wanted to learn it all.  Now. That meant I had to go back to some painful experiences to relive, re-feel, and deal with them in a new & healthy way.

I had known for years that the death of my grandfather was a traumatic event in my life.  I didn’t realize how traumatic until I started to peel back the layers of hurt.  I vividly remember the day he passed away.  It was the day of my sister’s 13th birthday party.  I had spent the better part of an hour peering out the living room window waiting for my grandparents to arrive.  As it grew later the gnawing feeling in my stomach also grew.  I remember to phone ringing and my heart dropping.  I started to cry even before the news of my grandfather’s passing reached me.  And, just like that I learned that people you love will leave you.  Unexpectedly.  With no explanation.

I have other vivid memories I carry that have shaped who I am and how I deal with death, love and my spiritual gifts.  I avoided all of these thing for all I was worth for as long as I could. Why should I open my heart to people if they are eventually going to leave me anyway?  Why share my love with you if you will just take it with you when you go?  And, really, why use any of my spiritual gifts if I can’t make you stay?

Eventually, I came to a point in my life when the reasoning of my 7-year old self was not working for my 30-something self.  I HAD to change because staying stuck where I was hurt more than confronting my pain.  I began examining all of this a few months before my first bout of depression smacked me in the face.  I had felt it coming for weeks – the anxiety was excruciating and nothing I tried alleviated it.  And the lack of sleep – ugh!  My thoughts obsessively cycled between love and loss – I was paralyzed.  I knew I was on the path to self discovery and I couldn’t turn back – didn’t WANT to turn back.  I also knew moving forward meant I had to walk through my pain. There was no way in hell I was going to willingly do that!  Silly silly girl – I hadn’t yet learned that not making a decision WAS making a decision.  I had, unknowingly, made the decision to exist in between two crappy places until the pain broke me and forced me to move forward.

Continued…Awakening & Healing – part 2

GREAT NEWS!!  You may be in the process of finding your spiritual path if you have felt:

  • Like there HAS to be something more to this life than what currently is?
  • Like you are here to do something meaningful for the world but can’t quite figure out what that is?
  • Stuck?  Unable to move forward?  Not sure what direction to turn so you just stand still?
  • Misunderstood and unable to express yourself to be understood.
  • Alone in a crowd of people.

I’m here to let you know, you are not alone.  I’m here to help you find your starting point – whether that is through a service I offer, a heart-to-heart, or in the act of connecting you to other people or resources.  I care about your journey.