The Beginning – 2009

Original post – Facebook, 2009 

I’ve had the urge for a few months to share the discoveries, struggles and joys of my spiritual awakening and the walk I’ve chosen. Writing helps me work through issues, make sense of chaos, and is catharsis for my soul – I believe at this point in my walk I need to write and share my thoughts in order to continue in my growth and down my path.

I’ve always felt different – I never felt like I fit in with my family, nor my peers. I never understood why I should go to church when most the people I saw on Sunday didn’t appear to apply what was presented in the sermon. I never understood why I should continue friendships that were so obviously toxic to make someone else happy. This list is very long – what I did come to understand is that all I struggled with came from the false world of stuff, appearances, power, authority, judgment. Very early in life I recognized that many people shied away from me and that by questioning the false world I would be lonelier than I already was.

The preference to be alone was the result of those understandings from an early age. These understandings also bred a VERY healthy dose of paranoia which in turn resulted in very low self-worth. Why did people shy away from me? Was I ugly? Was I really that weird? Why are they looking at me? Now, this brings the image to mind of someone lurking the shadows, stringy hair, eyes on the ground, not speaking when spoken to, etc. This wasn’t totally true – I had beautiful hair. Seriously though, I was active in school & activities as a three year starter for volleyball and softball, a first flutist, and had a few good consistent friends. (Admittedly, I’m sure I confused the hell out of them! Really – what teenager would rather be alone on a Friday night than at a party?) Maybe I was just a typical teenager going through the self-doubt that goes with this stage? But I don’t think so. The paranoia, low self-worth and the feeling that I didn’t quite fit in have stayed with me for years – starting this walk on the Red Road, my spiritual path, has brought to light these issues over and over and over AND OVER again. I realize that this will be a recurring theme until I resolve or come to understand the underlying issues. Sounds fun, right?

I’ve always said I am more spiritual than religious – but I didn’t really understand what that meant until about a year ago when I started this walk. I realize I haven’t even scratched the surface of what this means even now. Spirituality is so very important to me – the aspect of this that has always been easy for me is recognizing and acknowledging signs presented by the universe. One of the first signs I recognized came shortly after I met my soul sisters Jamie and Bev and had been introduced to Ed Warrior Bear, a Cherokee elder – all of whom spoke of what it means to walk the Red Road. The moment described in the following paragraphs is a still point in my life – this is a term I stumbled upon in a fiction book (The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry). The following are taken from the book and are a few of my “OMFG – YES!” moments:

  • “Within the still point, past, present, and future exist simultaneously and time, as we know it, disappears completely”.
  • “Sometimes when you look back, you can point to a time when your world shifts and heads in another direction. In lace reading this is called the “still point. Eva says it’s the point around which everything pivots and real patterns start to emerge”

I had left my house early one Saturday morning to ensure I had a few minutes of quiet to return a call to my sister. My sister didn’t answer when I called and I wasn’t ready to go home but I was pulled to drive the 15 minutes to Palisade Park just outside of town. It was a dreary drizzly autumn morning – I sat in my car with the windows open and listened to the birds as I drank my coffee. I hadn’t felt so much contented quiet and peace in years – it was glorious!

Jamie really started me on my path by explaining we create our own reality. I had a lot to think about and a lot of what I was discovering about myself wasn’t pretty. My time at the park was perfect for reveling in the beauty of nature and reflecting on my future. It didn’t make any sense but I was drawn out of the car without concern about the cold onto a path. I wondered this path for 30 – 45 minutes until I came to a spot in the road that stopped my heart – I laughed and then I cried. The posted picture is what I came across.

I remember thinking, “I know that wasn’t written FOR me, but I was MEANT to see this”. Can you believe it? I’m wondering around this park, contemplating my future and this spiritual path and BAM! Right in front of me is this clear sign telling me I will be supported and loved along whatever path I choose. Holy shit!! I had never felt such immense love previously as I did in that moment. I was shaking and half crying/half laughing as I climbed the step to the bench at the top of this hill – additional steps on the way to the top reassured “I will – I will”. That pushed me over the edge and I collapsed onto the bench into tears of amazement, joy, sorrow, fear, and love.

Stair step message at Palisades State Park “I will love you every step of the way”

To me, this will always be one of the defining and determining moments of my life. This will be one of the images I see at the end of my physical life. Though, if I had not recognized this as a sign, it would have been ok. This is not a one shot deal – the signs and opportunities are presenting all the time. In fact, I’m missing signs all over the place right now – and I’m missing them either because of choice (blocking) or because I’m just not capable of understanding yet. The difference in this moment was my level of awareness, the openness of my heart and my willingness to take a leap of faith. I took that leap and haven’t looked back with regret no matter what shit storm I’ve stirred up for myself.

In these posts I will not claim to be an expert on anything but myself – and even that is debatable at times. You will clearly see the moments when I’m battling my ego – not listening to my heart or being guided by spirit. I hope to candidly use these moments of my life (and there are many at times) to work thru that BS, regain clarity and decipher my lesson of the moment. In the process I do hope that others starting out and struggling with their spiritual path will read this and share their own experiences, “still points” or interpretations of events. After all, we are all teachers and we are all learners – let’s help each other along our paths.

Continued…Awakening & healing – part 1