Once again, I was stuck in an uncomfortable position and not able (or willing?) to make a decision about my career path. Was I worthy of being a healer? Was I capable? Should I just continue on as a Librarian because it was safe and a sure thing? It is as if I like to challenge the Universe – maybe I secretly like the surprise of what gets thrown my way if I just don’t do anything? All I knew was this insanity had to end.
So, there I was, not ready to walk out of my comfort zone as a librarian and not feeling worthy enough to walk into my authentic role as a healer. Again, I was just existing. The dissonance was building in me. The mental anguish wasn’t enough though – this time I was also feeling very physical pain. And this physical pain was manifesting at an alarming rate. The battle I was fighting with myself had reached a new level of intensity.
Suddenly and inexplicably, I was dealing with near constant excruciating shoulder pain that impacted my ability to perform massage. I tended to the shoulder but as soon as it healed the pain manifested in another area of my body. Now my ankles were locking up – the pain prevented me from walking. It started in just one ankle but eventually both were impacted. I could pretend that I didn’t know why this was happening but it was obvious. It was time to walk out of my old life and to step into my new one. It was time to accept who I really was and to own that without apology or explanation. I knew the longer I stayed in my old life, my old job & my old self, the more physical pain I would experience. The longer it took me to step into my authentic self, the longer it would take to find relief.
In April 2016 I took the scariest leap of my life and quit my job without another source of income lined up. I had randomly chosen April 15th as my last day of employment. Ironically, it was a Friday and the last day of a pay period – pretty perfectly orchestrated. I fretted about money, health insurance, being a failure and anything else that popped into my head. Thankfully, the worry was balanced with excitement, possibility, hope and joy! Someone told me I would be caught off guard at how upset I would be to walk out of the hospital that last day. I told them they were wrong and I was right – because IT was right. The day following my last day at the hospital I looked at the flip-flops on my feet and giggled as I thought “I get to wear flip flops everyday from now on if I want to!”. Such a simple realization that brought so much joy, peace and confirmation that I had made the right decision.
My ankles did not heal overnight – it took time as any healing process does. My philosophy of care evolved out of these very personal experiences. I didn’t just read somewhere and latch onto the fanciful idea that physical pain is the manifestation of emotion or spiritual disturbance. I’ve live it. I’ve felt it – done the work – and healed my physical pain and ailments by resolving and dealing with my emotional and spiritual issues. I know all too well the hell we put ourselves through, the emotional and physical pain it causes, and how much healing hurts. I also know that each small discovery is a victory. And each small victory makes you hungrier for more. Before you know it, you are on your way – on your path to self-discovery.
Everyone that has helped me on this journey has warned me about the path. Once you step onto it, you’ve made a commitment there is no turning back from. You move forward or you stay where you are – but there is no way to truly go back. If you uncover and taste what exists on the path of self-discovery, there is no denying its existence. Sure, you can turn away but it will always be there beckoning to you, causing crisis and pain until you turn around and face. I’m slowly realizing that facing my pain head on is less excruciating than enduring the pain that comes from turning away from myself and my path. I’m slowly learning how to be brave, be comfortable with the unknown, and be happy in the present moment.
I don’t share my story for sympathy, praise or acknowledgment. I share this aspect of my life story to illustrate that I understand what it feels like to struggle. What it feels like to be lost in the dissonance of your being. What it feels like to struggle against the healing process. I want you to understand that I STILL struggle, daily, with certain skills or issues and that’s ok because I’m better than I was yesterday. I share to reassure that you are not lost – just in the process of being found. I share because I want you to have something to believe in – and I want that to be you – as you are – at this moment.
GREAT NEWS!! You may be in the process of finding your spiritual path if you have felt:
- Like there HAS to be something more to this life than what currently is?
- Like you are here to do something meaningful for the world but can’t quite figure out what that is?
- Stuck? Unable to move forward? Not sure what direction to turn so you just stand still?
- Misunderstood and unable to express yourself to be understood.
- Alone in a crowd of people.
I’m here to let you know, you are not alone. I’m here to help you find your starting point – whether that is through a service I offer, a heart-to-heart, or in the act of connecting you to other people or resources. I care about your journey.