I have had a lot of time to reflect and remember who I am in the last 4 months. This time came about as I left my second office location after a mere 9 months. Now, as I prepare to move into another new space, I am struck by the simple fact that my business has been in 3 different locations in a matter of a year. It is such a surreal feeling to look back at all the life lived in one short year – to see who I was at each stage, what I compromised & what I didn’t, when I pushed too hard and when I didn’t push hard enough, what I gained and then lost, what was gained because of loss, what I learned and how it all propelled me to here and now.
A theme over the last 4 months has been “home”. I’m 100000% sure the theme was there long before I recognized it. It took several people and avenues to get the message to me through the haze I had been blindly stumbling. I will never forget the light bulb moment .. the moment I looked at my spirit team and said “oh my gosh! I get it! Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me??”. I had been receiving a reading from an acquaintance when she suddenly looked up, smiled at me and said “Welcome home”. My heart stopped, my haze cleared and I think I laughed…and I know I felt immense happiness.
Those 2 words were life altering.
Two little words to ponder over the next several weeks as I obsessively put puzzle after puzzle together. I fully and consciously immersed myself into my puzzles because I knew what they could and would provide for me. At first, an escape from what I didn’t want to face or do. A way for the noise to quiet down. Each piece that was place, helped me reclaim a small piece of myself that had been scattered to the winds. As the weeks went by and my vision cleared, each completed puzzle brought perspective. Each time two pieces did not go together like I thought they should, I was reminded that things aren’t always as they appear. That when we find our matches, whether that’s people, place, energy, etc., everything lines up.
I had been trying to make myself fit into places I did not fit or belong.
As the stack of completed puzzles piled up (20+ !!!) I felt myself coming home little by little. For me, a huge task of coming home had to do with revisiting the past and really looking at who I had been and what aspects of self had been missing in key moments or events over the last few years. Where was my compassion in THAT moment? My gratitude in that one? Where had my joy gone? Where was this anger coming from? When did I stop loving myself?
Wait? What? When HAD I stopped loving myself? Furthermore, when had I started letting other people’s dreams, expectations, visions of me, etc. become my own? When had I lost my foothold onto all things ME?
To come home I needed to sit with myself and remember what I FEEL like without the noise…without the distractions. Once I could easily sit in that space and not judge myself or others, that is the moment I started powering back up, rebuilding and recognizing my light and love. I started talking to people more. I started going out more. And, then I started going out a lot. And what came next was phenomenal … I started needing a purpose bigger than completing the next season of Schitt’s Creek and whatever puzzle I was working on. In fact, that puzzle was incredibly hard to finish…there was little joy in the process OR the end result. Perhaps, I still need to work on not staying too long in places I don’t belong… 😉
I don’t want it to sound like I did not attempt to find a new office location until recently. Nope. I began that in December before I moved my stuff out of the Apothecary. Nothing has lined up .. nothing has fit quite right. Not the right space. Not the right person. Not the right time. A few weeks ago, I had decided I was going to stop looking for a person to rent a space with. I was going to pull the trigger and rent the one that I felt the most like home to me. I contacted my realtor to start the contract process. By the end of the day, my friend, Rachel, had reached out and said she was ready to rent and was I still looking for a space and person to share with?
Incredible what happens when the pieces just fit!
In an hour, I am going to go pick up the keys to my new space. I’m going to meet Rachel after to get her HER keys and to buy the paint we need so paint can get on the walls TONIGHT! My room will be painted Monday .. and my stuff moved in over the next few days. My business will begin settling into its new home very shortly.
This is the beginning … again. Redwing’s rehoming, if you will.