I’ve always seemed to struggle with conflict & knowing when to walk away or stick around – and the feelings that come with either choice. I don’t recall a time that I’ve ever been able to walk away in peace, love..contentment? Likewise, I don’t recall a time when I’ve been able to stick around without resentment. Obviously, work has been necessary in this arena.
All year, throughout a class I’ve participated in, I’ve been searching for & praying for balance. As tends to happen with me, this is a prayer that slipped out – shocking myself. Because it shocked me, I couldn’t even begin to understand this request but I continued with that prayer. I mean, it must have slipped out for a reason, right? As the year has progressed, I’ve been thrust into situations that have required me to reflect on the reasons balance has been so hard for me to achieve, examine my action & reactions in moments of perceived conflict and attempt to understand so I may heal whatever lies at the core of this. Needless to say this year has been confusing, illuminating, joyous, heartbreaking and such a blessing & relief.
I experienced great internal & outward struggle through encounters with another student in this course. So much anger was triggered within me that I decided I needed to walk away – but, damn! if that anger didn’t follow me as I turned to leave. I spent months working through the emotions, pinpointing areas within ME that needed the work, working on compassion for HER…and saying numerous prayers for both of us. I don’t know what the turning point was, but the anger was suddenly mostly gone. I could see her & talk to her with little negativity toward her or within myself. Here was my proof I had made the right decision to walk away.
But, did I? What a shock that THIS would be my next struggle! I felt pretty peaceful for a brief amount of time…and then bam! The prompts I’d been receiving to reach out became insistent. In fact, LOUD! “You are the one that can help her. You have information to help her move forward. You need to share”. Ugh…and per the us(ual), I pretended I didn’t really know what that meant. But, really, per the us(ual) I just didn’t want to listen!
I prepared for ceremony on a cold evening and knew I needed to pray for & request guidance regarding this situation. My sacred circle formed & my guides came forward to speak to me one by one. The Chief spoke clearly – not to be ignored NOR his meaning misconstrued. “Do you think I liked everyone that I lead into battle? Do you think I got along with all I lead? No! But I loved them all. I knew my place & my place was to assist ALL my people in bettering themselves, learning about themselves and always reaching my hand out to help them up when they were down or falling behind. That is what a good leader does.”. Mother Earth came forward so full of love & compassion I thought my heart would burst open as the tears flowed freely. She stated, “Do you think I would ever let one of my children suffer if I knew there was something I could do to prevent it? No. I want all my children to be happy, to heal and to succeed.”
The message was clear. Turning my back was not the right decision. Why? Because I had healed enough to offer my hand instead of my back. As I was praying for balance all year, I was unaware that my heart and throat were not only healing, but expanding as well. Expanding in compassion, love and appreciation for all. Expanding in communication, messaging…and leadership.
The day after holding ceremony, I did reach out my hand to this woman. We had a healing conversation regarding our miscommunications and misunderstandings. And, I was able to share information that promised to help her step out of confusion and into greater understanding. I left this conversation with a deep sense of relief and peace, knowing I had made the right decision – knowing I had listened to the guidance given. It was another step closer to becoming the ME I’m meant to be. The me who realizes I can no longer take steps forward if my back is turned.
I’m still learning a whole lot of stuff. Like, when IS is appropriate to walk away? When is it appropriate to re-open a door if you’ve walked away for self-preservation or healing? And the words? What are the right words to use in these moments? It’s confusing & painful as hell sometimes but then a moment of clarity hits, a flash of understanding fills you and you realize, THIS is what makes the journey worth it.