Lately, I’m being triggered left & right – above & below – inside & out.  What the hell is happening to me?  Where did the Zen go?  Truth is there has been a heck of a lot of change around here & we are in the midst of waiting for the major change of my oldest child’s move to college.  Ugh – I’m sitting in my least favorite position of “no longer & not yet”. It’s a space I don’t tolerate well – it makes me spin out of control.  I would prefer to “rip it off like a bandaid” & proceed with life — none of this waiting shit.

Obviously, I’m feeling some (LOTS) of anxiety and I’m looking outside myself for the source.  And, holy shit!, there are a lot of people & situations I want pin this on.  I’m knocked off balance – and it’s YOUR fault.  It’s YOUR fault I feel like you are squeezing me into a corner, snatching up every opportunity, sucking the joy from things I was looking forward to & damn!, can you just be real?  Life is messy – why isn’t your life messy? Where’s the dirt?  Where’s the darkness?  Lay it out there – let’s examine that shit together.  NO – I don’t want you to tell me you are sending me “love & light”, I don’t want to read your “blessings” to me, and I sure as shit don’t need to hear that “everything happens for a reason” or any other meaningless platitude you are going to spew.  Blech! Let’s get real here – just for a minute, please.  It’s me – not you.

I’ve recently enrolled in a year-long modern shaman course.  Before I proceed though, let’s get this out of the way:

  • No, I don’t believe I will be a shaman at the end of this year long study.
  • No, I don’t believe I am a shaman in training.
  • No, I don’t believe I’m a native american.
  • No, I’m not living in spiritual fantasy land.
  • And, YES, this course is absolutely necessary for my personal & professional growth.
  • If you have more questions or assumptions about this, let’s talk.

So, yea, I’ve committed to this modern shaman course.  It ALONE has knocked me off balance.  It’s not all new – I perform some of these techniques already but there’s still a lot of new material to ingest.  I LOVE information & get mentally overwhelmed when I can’t consume & integrate it as quickly as I want.  (Notice how patience isn’t a virtue of mine?)  And then there are the other participants & their stories and experiences to sit in witness of.   I learn an absolute shit ton from them alone.  I absolutely appreciate these people & their willingness to share.  But….there’s that yucky sticky side of myself that doesn’t want to hear it.  Not because I don’t care – but because I don’t want to judge & compare myself.

We ALL have a core wound – an emotional/psychological wound that is at the heart of most our issues & struggles.  It’s not like there’s a “good” one to have – they all suck.  Mine happens to be worthiness. While I’m thankful, grateful & appreciative – I don’t always feel worthy.  Because I don’t feel worthy, I compare myself to others – what makes them worthy & not me?  They must be better, more gifted, more approachable, more and more … while I feel less and less.   And when I compare – I judge.  I hate that.   This spiral is out of control when I’m not centered & grounded – like right now.  The chaos in my life at this time is an abundantly fertile breeding ground for my judgment.

I often “joke” & compare myself to the ancient healer/crone that lives outside the village .. far enough away that it’s inconvenient to get to but close enough when it’s necessary. I’ve recently been challenged to examine this belief.   And examine I have.  This is my comfort zone – I like being an outside observer – I love my own space & energy – I don’t like getting caught up in other people’s stuff (I get caught up in my own just fine) – and I can’t compare when there is no one else around.  I’ve set myself up in the village so I can participate when I want & avoid the things that knock me off balance.  Ironically, I’ve set myself up in the physical space of “no longer & not yet” – even though it’s my least favorite energetic space.

I’m acutely aware of the fact that I’m on the verge of a growth spurt- a breakthrough.  The anxiety portends this.  The extreme confusion, the spiraling, the defiance — the attempt to control & dictate instead of trust & release.  I’m not a fan of this space but I’m beginning to see the blessing of this place.  I need to make peace with it.  I need to come to accept & love this place – just as I need to learn to love & accept myself .. as is.  This is the space of possibility, creation, necessary endings, new beginnings, hope & faith.  It is the space of change….where growth happens.  It is messy & where life is fully lived.

I will probably remain on the edge of village – it’s where I go to recharge, it’s a boundary that protects us both, it’s where I’m am peace & my sanctuary.  However, I will begin the process of meeting people halfway between my house & theirs.  I will work toward living in my worthiness, without judgment nor expectation.  I will work toward this balance – that’s my word.

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